As a teacher, students talk to me a lot about their lives, including their romantic lives (whether I ask or not!). At the end of a school year (and other times even), guys think it is the right time to send girls messages declaring the great love they have felt for them the entire year.
The other day in study hall, some girls were reading some love declaration texts from a guy one of them barely knew. It was hard not to cringe as she read him declaring how beautiful she was and how he couldn’t resist messaging her any longer. I’m not sure which was worse, the guy’s messages or the fact that he poured his heart out and the girls were getting a laugh from that.
Even if they don’t use the “love” word, guys will message some girl about how perfect and beautiful she is, how they have liked her from afar all year, or they had a crush on her, and so forth. Sometimes these guys are even good friends with the girl in question.
Here is an actual back-and-forth a student showed me:
Guy: Hey I wanted to let you know I have had a crush on you since we met. You are beautiful and perfect 🙂
Guy: Yeah, I wanted to let you know how great you are 🙂
Guy: No response lol
Guy: So you don’t feel the same way?
Girl: No, sorry
Guy: Well I will have to go to plan B then
Guy: Your friend Kayla.
This is actually a mild exchange in many ways, but still very cringe-worthy, especially suggesting that her friend was “plan B.” But, it is typical of the “out of the blue” and random nature of how teen guys often declare their love for girls. Below are examples of why these declarations are a horrible, horrible idea.
It is Artificial And Awkward
Attraction has to happen naturally. People start dating based on developed attraction and rapport building. Watching a girl from afar, or just being a friend to her, and suddenly dumping an emotional declaration of love onto her (or even worse, an essay explaining it all) isn’t even close to how attraction actually works.
I promise you that if a girl treats you like a buddy, then she views you like a buddy. If you are an acquaintance she basically ignores, then you are just someone she kind of knows, and no more. If you stare at her from across the room and never talk to her, you literally may not even be on her radar. Artificially springing your undying love on her in any of these situations is just going to make whatever relationship you have with her super awkward.
Instead, give attraction time to develop (but you have to do it right, so keep reading). You can’t go from buddy, acquaintance, or “that quiet guy in Spanish class” to “boyfriend material” instantly or without changing your approach. Plus, that would go against how women fall for a guy…
It Doesn’t Understand The Way Women Fall In Love
Guys are more like light switches when it comes to attraction. It is an “on/off” thing. Once you feel it, you feel it, and it is immediate, often based mainly on a woman’s looks. This is why most guys are perpetually ready to date their attractive female friends.
Women are more like a volume dial than an “on/off” switch. They need to warm up and be given time to fall for a guy, and figure out what they actually feel. A lot of this is because women take personality into account far more than guys do when evaluating attractiveness.
Love declarations can be awkward for girls because they aren’t expecting them. A guy has turned the switch to “on” and is ready to go, but for the girl, the dial is set to “0.” In her mind, she may just be friends or barely know him. When a guy hits her with a text expressing his romantic feelings, she doesn’t know what to think. For women, it is a shock that her friend suddenly wants more. And, it is often unwelcome and awkward because it is so unexpected.
So, guys, instead of declaring your love outright, focus on getting her “volume dial” turned up. Start flirting, being funnier, acting more confidently, etc. Start going from being perceived as “just a friend” (or socially invisible to her) to being a guy she could actually be attracted to. You’ll start noticing signs as she starts flirting, giggling, and communicating with you more and more. This is the only way to a girl’s heart. Anything else is just weird.
It Shows Insecurity
While a guy may think he is showing confidence by sending his lengthy love declaration, women perceive it as insecurity. If a guy has seen a woman hundreds of times at school, or interacted with her as a friend, then why did he wait so long to express his romantic interest? Why is he doing it over text? Even if in person, why is he making such a huge deal of it?
Guys, let things happen gradually. A confident guy just does things and owns them. He doesn’t overthink or overcomplicate matters. That comes across as insecure. Seeing a girl daily, saying nothing, then randomly declaring her love for her is complicating a simple matter. So, flirt and interact for a while, and then, after reading that she is getting into you, ask her on a date. Have fun on the date, and continue to be funny, confident, and cool, and go from there.
It Isn’t Smooth And Charming
Women like guys that have charm. Like I have already mentioned, a socially skilled guy isn’t going to awkwardly dump his love onto her. He’ll be funny, charming, and mysterious. He’ll make a girl want more of him, instead of coming across as needy.
Guys, instead focus on making her feel good on a regular basis. Make her laugh and smile and want to hang around you. That is how you get her to see you as boyfriend material, not by sending her a random text out of the blue. If you are “just a friend” or invisible to her, I guarantee her romantic interest is elsewhere, probably focused on a guy who is charming and confident. Becoming like those guys is the best strategy.
In fact, complimenting a girl is actually a good thing, if done right. I’m not trying to say it isn’t here. It’s just that calling her beautiful and amazing and/or declaring your love is way too much without a romantic connection. Complimenting her is fine though, as long as it is a simple and believable one (like mentioning her boots or cool T-shirt), and as long as it is done from a position of security and non-neediness. Women value compliments from confident guys; from insecure guys, they can sense it is sucking up.
So guys, stop with the random love declarations. Seriously, just stop. Instead of making her laugh at you with her friends, make her and her friends laugh at your funny and confidently delivered comments.